Don't Silence the Soundtrack

I started playing music when I was in the 6th grade. My elementary school offered music classes twice a week as a preparatory for middle school. I chose the trumpet because that is what my older brother had played, and since he had since move on to the tuba I could use his old trumpet for my lessons. From there I moved into middle school and continued to play the trumpet, and then baritone and trombone. Playing music in school was something that I enjoyed, a release and a challenge all in one. But as I have grown older I have realized how much music has actually taught me, and how much it has molded my life.

I have always loved music for as long as I can remember. It has kind of been the soundtrack to my life. I can relate music to so many memories...summer days in the pool listening to Chicago and Michael Jackson and Neil Diamond at my parents' house, the Beach Boy Christmas playing in the background as we decorated our tree, listening to Def Leppard's Hysteria cassette repeatedly as we drove to New Jersey from Florida on a family trip. These are all life experiences that music has helped to stamp into my brain. Just like in a great movie where you can picture a certain scene when you hear a song being played, so has been my life. So it was only natural for me to want to be part of the music myself.

Sure, many kids dream of being rock stars when they are young, and I was no different. My younger brother and I would dress up like rock musicians and put on performances for our family lip syncing and pretending to play guitars that were actually tennis rackets. I can remember the exact moment when I knew I wanted to play guitar for real. I was at home watching MTV (this is when they actually played music videos) and saw Van Halen's "When it's Love" video. The scene was a dimly lit bar, with the band playing and a lot of close ups. I remember seeing ans hearing Eddie Van Halen play so crisply in the song, and instantly I thought to myself "I can do that". So when I was 16 my parents, broke down and got me an electric guitar for Christmas. It was the best gift ever, and over time I taught myself to play. Now I am a marginal player at best, but playing guitar, which I still do when I find the time, is a great outlet for me and I still get so much enjoyment out of it.

Playing music, both in school and on my own, has taught me so much. In a time where school music programs are being cut left and right, it saddens me because I can see all the good that can come out of teaching children about music. start with the fact that you are teaching them a skill, something that may or may not lead to a profession, but something that they will always be able to take with them. Along with that, it is the lesson of sticking with something and practicing it over and over in order to get better. It is a lesson that can be applied to anything they might do throughout their lives. In addition there are tremendous math skills that are honed when learning about and how to play music. Keeping time and learning the different lengths of notes are all mathematical elements.

Another important lesson that comes along with teaching children to play music is the social aspect. We are teaching kids not only how to read music and play in instrument, buy also how to do these things TOGETHER. The interaction between different parts or instruments, the breaking down of insecurities by having to play around others. These are all things that help to grow a child's character. In addition, you are teaching your kids culture, and about different styles and histories that they otherwise wouldn't learn about. For the four years I was in high school I played in the marching band where I was exposed to traditional marching styles as well as popular music transposed into a marching theme, the concert symphony where I learned classical styles such as Bach and Wagner, the jazz band which taught me studio jazz as well as the Latin fusion styles, and then pursued my own personal passions of rock and metal music while playing guitar on my own. What other skill or extracurricular activity offered in schools can give children exposure to such a diverse collection of experiences? And all of this while teaching them how to interact and become a strong individual.

Music is what drives me, it is what motivates me, it is what heals me. I prefer rock and metal music to others, but have and do listen to all other kinds such as Pop, Latin, Country and Hip Hop. I have a very diverse variety just in the CD changer in my car, which can range from Korn to 3 Doors Down to Tom Petty to Marc Anthony. to me, great music is great music, regardless of the genre or who it is that makes it. There is nothing more powerful than hearing a song that gives you goosebumps and hits a chord inside you because you can totally relate to the story or issue being sung about. And at the same time, at least for me, there is nothing more intense than hearing the perfect crushing guitar riff that just makes you want to bang your head or sway around. Music can make you cry, make you dance, make you smile, or make you think. And to me, that last one is the most important. Music makes us think. It makes us think about what the person who wrote it was thinking about, it makes us think about how we relate to it, and it makes us think about how they actually made it. What better lesson to teach our kids?

So today, while you are working or driving or watching TV, take notice of how many times you hear some sort of music. Then think to yourself what that music does to you, and how it makes you feel. Whether it be a CD you play on your drive home, or a soundtrack to your favorite TV show or movie, or even just a sample during a commercial, imagine what your life would be like without that music there. Then think about the fact that we are slowly taking about the roots of where that music comes from by dropping music classes from schools and not exposing our children to this wonderful craft. If we stop teaching our kids about music and how to make it, eventually we will be taking away the heart and soul of so many parts of our lives, silencing the soundtrack of our lives...

Who's Fault?

There was a time, not that long ago as a matter of fact, when our people were held accountable for our actions and mistakes. It seems like so long ago. But today we have become a society not only blames our shortcomings and bad choices on someone else, but where courts and doctors and pretty much everyone accepts these excuses. And I say excuses because that is exactly what they are. Do you remember when you were little and your parents would say to you "I don't want any excuses"? That was because they knew damn well that whatever it was that you did to get yourself in hot water, it was your fault. But today, that statement has been replaced by "Who showed you/taught you/allowed you to do this?". In other words, it's never your fault anymore, it's always someone else's fault. We are no longer held responsible for our actions, our bad decisions are most likely the result of our parents or because we should have never been allowed to have the chance to screw up. It has led us down a path that scares me to death, because if everyone is pointing their finger at someone else eventually we run out of people to blame, and then what?

It can be as simple as someone spilling hot coffee on themselves and suing the fast food joint for it being too hot, AND WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS. Instead of applying the rules of common sense and throwing this case out because the person should have been more careful with an obviously hot beverage, the courts opened up the gate for frivolous lawsuits by setting the precedent that it's not the idiot holding the hot food's fault if they get hurt, it's the supplier for not putting a label on it stating that it is hot. On which planet this makes sense I don't know, but it is now the norm here on earth, or at least in the USA.

Doctors are most guilty of this social epidemic, as they feed into the blame game. If a child is a behavioral problem, they have ADD or ADHD. If you are lazy and have no energy you have chronic fatigue. If you don't know how to cope with problems you have depression. Now these things are all very real and there are people who actually suffer from them, but not at the numbers that are treated today. Today, these are easy explanations and fixes for a much deeper problem. It is easier to say a kid has ADD and shove meds down their throat than it is to actually put the time in with them to teach them how to concentrate and behave. When I was a kid, maybe one child in a class had ADD, now we are looking at a third of them being diagnosed. To me, it is a result of people not putting the time in as parents and expecting the teachers and doctors to deal with it for them. And these kids grow up to be adults who don't know how to cope, except to medicate themselves. Is this really the world we want to create and have to live in?

It's all an endless blame game...when are we going to start taking responsibility for our actions or lack of them. When are we going to revert back to a time where people stood on their own merit, and not blame others for their weaknesses? This country was built and advanced by people who persevered through tough times, yet in modern days we want everything handed to us. We are teaching our kids that they deserve everything their little hearts desire, regardless of if they have earned it. We are raising a generation of people who know that if something goes wrong, they can sue someone over it, take a pill for it, get an exemption for it, or blame someone else for it. I am all for helping someone out who needs a hand, but eventually there will be no one left to give out that helping hand, because we will all be the ones asking for it...

The King of her Castle

As I write this, I have a paper crown on my head. It is a construction paper crown that my daughter made at a craft store about a month ago. I can honestly say I never really thought I would be sitting around my house wearing a paper crown, but at the same time I wear it with pride. You see, I didn't decide to wear it so much as my daughter decided I would. She was playing with her toys and had on a princess tiara, and came to the conclusion that I needed to be royalty too. And like that, my life's purpose was made very clear to me. In her eyes, I was royalty. To her, we were royalty. And to her, I am not a guy with an image to uphold, but instead I am her king, just Daddy.

Such had become my life, a life of being the father of a little girl. She is two and a half, yet starting to become a little lady with her own opinions and ideas. It is a humbling situation, but not at all regretful. Instead of watching Sportscenter and CNN during the day, it is Barney and sesame Street. Instead of working outside or tinkering with a guitar, I learn about the Little Mermaid and help dress her dolls for her. And damn this new thing called Polly Pocket. for those of you without young daughters, Polly Pocket is like miniature Barbie dolls that have tine little rubber clothes and accessories. My daughter learned of Polly at her baby sitter's house, as her daughter has them. So of course we were suckered into buying her a starters kit, and now it is her favorite thing to play with. Of course these dolls and there clothes are very small and hard for a 2 year old's fingers to fully function, so I spend a considerable amount of time helping her dress and redress her dolls. I can't say it is something I ever dreamt about doing, but it is something I do without hesitation or thought because it is time spent with my daughter.

There are trips to the zoo or to the farm to pick apples and pumpkins that have replaced road trips and nights out at the bars. Going to the mall is now about looking for children's clothes and shoes and hair accessories instead of CD's or clothes for myself. A trip to Chuck E Cheese's or McDonald's means more than a meal at a fine restaurant, because all of these things show up as a look of amazement and happiness in my daughter's eyes. Life has become mostly about her and her happiness and what she takes out of things, and less about what I want or don't want.

And so here I sit, my crown on my head, my daughter singing and dancing and giving me the occasional hug and kiss on the cheek. Today is not an unusual day or an exceptional one, just another day in my life as a dad. these things that I would have once thought would be embarrassing or uninteresting are now just part of my life, and totally enjoyable. there is not one thing I wouldn't do for my daughter, and to me that is what being a parent is all about. It's not about giving them everything and anything they want, it is about showing them the world and experiencing with them. So that is what I do every day, I am with her, sharing the world and her world. So I am her dad, and also the king of her castle, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...

Closed Minded or Well Informed?

So a few days ago my wife and I were having a discussion and she called me closed-minded. Now this wasn't a heated discussion or even one of any importance, simply talking about current affairs and the such. So it wasn't that I was hurt or insulted so much as I just didn't agree with her assessment. So of course, being who I am I had to try my best to explain myself (to no avail I am sorry to say).

As anyone who knows me well enough or has read this blog could tell you, I am VERY opinionated. Hell, it is largely because of that trait that I started writing this blog. I don't hide it...in fact I embrace, defend and promote it. To me there is nothing wrong with being opinionated, so long as you are well informed about what it is your opinion is. And that my friends is exactly my defense against my wife's labeling me as "close minded". You see, it's not that I do not listen to or accept other people's theories or opinions. I will listen to any one's side of a particular story, but if I don't agree I will tell you I don't agree, and that disagreement is usually based on some fact.

The other facet of my being opinionated, the part that gets my wife and I'm sure others even more frustrated is that I do not always we things in black and white. To me, you can have differing opinions yet still be right, and I can accept that. You see, I don't ALWAYS have to win in a discussion (I just usually do). For instance, we were discussing charity and my wife's argument was that the particular charity was worth while. I agreed with her, but inserted that in addition to the financial part of the charity they should also be giving the people the tools or information so that they or the people following them would not need the charity going forward (this is a theme that I discussed in my previous post Kick Out the Crutch). Well this frustrated her, because I was not accepting her opinion without adding mine as well. But to me that is the way of the world more times than not. Is there always a right answer? No, there isn't...the right answer is usually a composite of several differing opinions or viewpoints.

You see, I may be opinionated to the highest degree, but I am not closed minded. I am open to many ideas and suggestions. To me, people having differing viewpoints and opinions is what makes this world and especially this country so great. It is what has advanced our society and has gotten us to where we are today. If we all thought the same way and went along with the same ideals, how fun would that be? We all have a mind, and we all think differently based on our life experiences. Now that being said, I know that I am right most of the time. That is not being conceited just confident in myself. I take a great amount of pride in being well informed and well rounded. I like to think that I know a little bit about a lot of things. And bottom line is if I get into a discussion about a certain topic, you can be sure that it is something I know quite a bit about and have studied the facts. And to me, that is the key. If you just go into a discussion half-cocked throwing out statements bases solely on emotion you most likely do not know what the hell you are talking about. But someone who has done their research can hold their own, and will be heard and respected.

So yes, I may be harsh and I may be opinionated, and you may not agree with some of the things that I say, but I am very open to ideas and thoughts. It just so happens that I see things for the bigger picture and have thought of all aspects before entering into a debate. I will respectfully take in differing viewpoints, but at the same time reserve the right to correct anything that is incorrect. But at the same time, and this is very important, I do not hold grudges. just because two people do not agree on something does not mean that they can not be friends or work or live together in harmony. The fact that we all have our own minds and our own beliefs and our own opinions is what makes this world so beautiful. But just be prepare yourself for the fact that I am always right...

I know I am Getting Old

I know that I am getting old because I find myself doing all the things that old people did when I was younger, all the things I never saw myself doing. I suppose it is something everyone goes through, but it never ceases to amaze one when they are the one going through it. The whole "I never thought I would say the things my parents did" is very cliche, but also so very true. I suppose it's just a part of life, a part of growing up. But it is such a scary realization because it means that we are not kids anymore, and that this life of ours is real.

I now find myself listening to talk radio at least fifty percent of the time I am in my car. sure, I will still blast some heavy metal CD's a lot of the time, but I also am finding more and more that I am listening to talk programs (and not only sports-talk, although that consumes part of time as well). i listen to a New Jersey talk radio station that mixes in comedy with real issues. But the thing I find that keeps me so interested is that so many of the issues they talk about each day I can either relate to or they effect my every day life. I now own a home, pay taxes and have a young child, so the things going on around me have a huge impact on my life now. Things such as where my tax money is going and what kind of education my daughter is going to get are huge things in my life now that I am in my 30's. Ten or fifteen years ago I would have though that listening to such a station was for "old people" and boring. Just a sign that I am getting old.

Another thing I never would have thought I would ever find myself doing was complaining about "these kids". It's the old saying "these kids today, we were never like that". Well not only is it a cliche that we all fall into, but the statement is also very true. Music, as an example, has changed through each generation. To a generation of parents the Beatles and Elvis were "noise", and now their music is not only classic but also considered very mild and mellow to most. And now a lot of the music I used to listen to as a teenager is being played on classic rock stations. But to walk through the mall and look around at the kids and teenagers is what really makes me feel old. Commenting on the clothing options, the lack of discipline, these are the same things that our parents' generation said about us. But at the same time, there is a lot of truth to the whole idea of the next generation not getting it.

So yes, the kids today are rude and dress funny and don't pay attention to the things they should. But neither did we when we were their age, and neither did our parents when they were that age, etc. And as much as we like to envision ourselves as always being hip and trendy and knowing what the coolest things are, fact is once we get older we don't. We start acting like and thinking like our parents, and we start being the "old people". But the key is to do it gracefully, to not lose track of our youth. there is nothing wrong with caring about politics or current events, but also be sure to keep up on the social changes. Sure, we might never be fully in tune with the next generation's style or technology, but we also shouldn't dismiss it just because it is different. Remember, it wasn't that long ago that it was us at the mall and someone else was shaking their head at us...

Move to the Right!

So this afternoon on my way into work, I am running late because of traffic of course. It doesn't help that it seems as though every main road and highway in the state of New Jersey is under construction. So even though I have a handful of different routes I can take, none of them are really a safe bet. So I am on the NJ Turnpike and there are 3 lanes of traffic struggling to even go the speed limit. As it turns out, I end up behind a car in the left lane who is doing 65 on the dot with not a care in the world. I flash my high beams just once and the car pulls to the middle lane, and I see what appears to be a middle-aged woman lean her hand down the outside of her door and flip me the bird. She then proceeds to move over to the far right lane (yes, where she should have been in the first place).

Now the reason I was dumbfounded that this woman flipped me the bird, is because she was so obviously in the wrong place doing the wrong speed. What possesses people to park in the far left lane of of of the most highly trafficked roads in the country going exactly the speed limit, and then to actually get pissed of when someone suggests that she move over where she should be to begin with? Did no one ever teach this person the rules of the road, never the less driving etiquette? Are people so petty and full of self-worth these days that the mean idea of being told you need to get over brings out such a reaction? Now I speak from first hand experience when it comes to road rage, because trust me I have a serious case of it. But what angers me when driving is stupidity. I am not one who is always in a hurry and has to be at the front of the line all the time. I do not feel the need for speed, and I do not weave in and out of traffic at high speeds. I simply want to get where I am going at a reasonable pace, without having to deal with idiots who do not know how to get along with others. But that seems to be what this world is becoming more and more full of.

Somewhere along the way people have either forgot or not been taught the rule of the road. the whole idea of "keep right except to pass" is not just a suggestion, but A LAW. Yet it is almost never enforced, and way too many people just don't care to follow it. That someone would feel it is their God given right to park in the left lane and damn everyone else is absurd, ad for that same person to get belligerent when flashed to move over is even more so. This is the kind of person whop ends up causing miles and miles of backups, all because they do not want to be stuck behind a tractor trailer (even though they are going the same speed). These people are also a main cause of accidents. When someone drives slowly in the passing lane it causes others to pass on the right, which is a dicey and dangerous situation, especially when there are 3 lanes and you may have two people trying to use the same middle lane to pass at the same time.

It is time that people start respecting each other on the roadways. There would be little to no road rage if we all started driving with respect (AKA move to the right and get the hell out of the way of those who actually have somewhere to be). And please, if you are not in a hurry and if you are scared of other vehicles and you can't stand the mere suggestion that you need to move over, then please just stay home until a person with a higher driving IQ can come and pick you up...

The Slippery Slope

The continuation towards a total lack of self-responsibility in this great country of ours is in high gear as we speak. The latest, and one of the most absurd, examples is in a potential lawsuit against McDonald's. No, it's not about people spilling shockingly hot coffee on themselves again, but this time over the inclusion of toys in their Happy Meals. Seems as though the CSPI, which claims to be a public watchdog group, is threatening a lawsuit claiming that including toys with Happy Meals is a marketing ploy to lure children into their store and to consume less than healthy foods. As I heard about this lawsuit and read more about it, the more infuriated I got. It seems as though this "free country" of ours is slowly becoming one where parents no longer have the right, or responsibility to raise their children the way they seem fit. If this lawsuit is heard in court, and especially if it is upheld, I am afraid to think of what will be next.

It seems that if it's not the government telling us how we should raise our children, it is the court system allowing lawsuits that basically accomplish the same thing to be heard. We not only live in a country where more and more people are passing the blame of their own bad parenting on to everyone and everything else, but we are allowing the dilution of our legal system by allowing so many frivolous lawsuits to be heard. This nutritional watchdog group that is filing the lawsuit against McDonald's should be spending their time and resources on making sure that businesses are following nutritional guidelines, maintaining healthy facilities, etc. They should not be deciding that it is a restaurant's job to play the role of parent to all American children. And when a suit like this is heard, and worse than that won or settled, it created a domino effect that shifts blame from consumers to the businesses. Was it really McDonald's fault that a woman spilled coffee on herself? And now every take out cup of coffee you get from any fast food joint has a message on it telling you that it's contents are hot. That is like Dairy Queen being forced to print on their cups "Contents are extremely cold". Makes no sense. Yet here we are, wanting to tell McDonald's that they can't include toys in their Happy Meals because it creates childhood obesity. And I still don't see how not including a toy in the meal is going to deter people from feeding their kids fast food. The smaller portions are most likely more of an attraction to parents than the toy is.

So the whole premise is that by including toys in the Happy Meals, and by advertising such (the nerve of a retail company to advertise a product), they are pushing young children to pressure their parents in to buying them these meals. And the implication is that this is fast food, so it is promoting unhealthy eating habits. Now as much as I agree that eating a lot of fast food is unhealthy, for adults as well as children, there are several issues with this thought process. First of all, if a parent is going to buy an extreme amount of Happy Meals for their child simply because the child is begging for the toys, then that is just bad parenting and I would be afraid to know what else their children are allowing them to do. Second, this is a free country, so no one should be forced not to feed their kid something that they want to. It is not the government's or the court's job to parent our children. The "slippery slope" that is so often spoken about is show quite clearly just in these two examples of cases with McDonald's...the allowing of the case of hot coffee eventually leads to the bringing of this lawsuit concerning Happy Meal toys. We allow the courts to tell us we can not make decisions for ourselves. We become a lazy society who sits back and lets the government tell us how to parent our children. These frivolous lawsuit should never be heard by any court.

The sad reality is that it is likely McDonald's will reach a settlement with this organization, where they will change their marketing strategy or the things that they include in the Happy Meals. They will do this in order to prevent possible bad publicity. But I say they should fight it with every bit of resources they have. The fact that something so simple and silly can be made such a big deal, all because we are afraid to stand up and take responsibility for raising our own children. It is as if they are saying "we can not raise our children right in a world with such bad options available", instead of TEACHING our kids how to live a balanced and healthy life. It reminds me of how several years back Camel cigarettes were told they could no longer use Joe Camel in their advertising, because it was construed as marketing smoking to minors. The fact that the caricature of a camel was going to make kids want to smoke any more than the fact that their own parents smoked is absurd, yet no one found that frightening. And the numbers relating to childhood smoking today don't really show that the ban was a success, do they?

There needs to be a movement in this country towards taking back responsibility for our parenting choices. We need to stop blaming everyone else for our children's problem, such as food chains, musicians, actors, medications, the rich, the poor, and the video games. If you are a responsible and engaged parent, you will know what your child is eating, drinking, playing with, listening to...and if it is the wrong thing than it is YOUR FAULT. But even if your kids are doing the wrong thing, it should not be against the law. We are free, and that means free to even make bad choices...

Kick the Crutch Out

Several years ago I was listening to a radio telethon that was raising money for food banks and the sort in New York. I was intrigued mostly by a guest who ran an organization that not only provided food for those who were in need, but also gave out advice on how to better make ends meet, and offered assistance in reaching these goals. It stuck with me because it makes so much sense, yet is so infrequently the way that help is given out these days. And it goes back to the way I was raised, and to the mentality that generations past had, which was to be self-sufficient and have self pride. These are things that for some reason have been lost in the last few decades in this country, becoming more of nostalgia and less a way of life. Now we are a society of beggars and people who feel things are owed to us, whether or not we have earned them, and it is a mentality that is making us weak.

There is no doubt that many people in this country have tried to do things on their own, but for one reason or the other they can't make ends meet. It is for these people that there are government programs to help assist, whether it be welfare or food stamps or other similar programs. There are also countless privately funded programs such as food banks, homeless shelters, clothing donations, etc. But for many, the reliance on this assistance becomes a crutch, and pretty much a way of life. Along those lines, and in a much larger scale, the United States government has taken what was 6 months of unemployment benefits (which could be extended to 12 months if proper effort to find a job landed none) and prolonged it to 2 years. And now they have approved lengthening those benefits even more because there are so many people out of work. Now as much as I understand the economy is bad and there is less of an abundance of jobs to be found, it is hard to believe that almost 3 million people in this country can not find a suitable job for over 2 years. What it is an example of is the longer you do something for someone, the more they rely on you.

In order to get people to be productive and independent, we need to kick the crutch out from underneath them. If you have a broken leg and need to use crutches to walk, that is understandable. But eventually, your bone heals. The only way to get the strength back in the leg is to start using it, little by little, until eventually you are back on your own, and you don't need the crutches anymore. But if you just continue to use the crutches and refuse to put your foot down and begin the process of healing, you will rely on those crutches forever. It is no different with government or charitable programs. These were designed to help get people back on their feet and get back to being productive citizens, but instead, by design in a lot of ways, have become that wicked crutch that does not go away. People all over the country rely on welfare checks and food stamps as a way of life, instead of a means to get their life back on track. The fault is two fold...on one hand it is human nature to allow yourself to be helped, and in many ways there is an attitude of entitlement forming in the country that "it isn't my fault, and someone needs to take care of me". But the main fault is the fact that as well-intended as most of these programs are, they are merely band aids, with no real forward thinking or plan for the future of those who use them. This has been something I have thought for years needs to be addressed.

It goes to what that food pantry I spoke of had in mind. Sure you want to feed the person who is hungry and can not eat properly, that is very admirable. But why don't we find out why it is that they are hungry to begin with? Are they sick? Did they lose their job? Do they have a disability? What about their family? The idea should not just be to take care of people now and today, but to help them going forward. Instead of a food bank that just feeds homeless people once a day or once a week, how about an organization that gets to the reason they can't eat on their own and try to give them the tools so that one day they can? If we could band together several programs, and also have local businesses tied in, a network of resources could be created that would not only help people in the present, but it would give them the tools they need to guide themselves down a new path. A network of motels or landlords that would rent out a place to live at a reduced cost so long as you are working. Places of business that would give jobs to those in the program. Local colleges and vocational schools that would give free or affordable classes to those who enlisted in the network. Surely this is something that could happen.

The same thing applies to welfare and unemployment benefits. It used to be in order to continue getting an unemployment check you would need to apply for a certain amount of jobs each week and show proof that you were not accepted. But now it is at a point where you can just check in online and still get your check. With welfare, we have created a way of life, a system where people live off of their welfare check and food stamps and do not go out and finds a primary income on their own. Is this all people? Not at all...but it is a good enough amount to where it is draining our resources. But again, these are people that could very well be productive members of their communities, if only they were forced to be. Laziness is something that will take hold if the opportunity is presented. If you do not allow people to use charity and government assistance as a way of life, but instead make it something that is to be earned, then you would see a lot of people turning their lives around and who knows what they could become.

If companies, charities, and government agencies would all work together to guide those who need help so that they can become self-sufficient citizens, we would all be better for it. Too many times we see those less fortunate as "bums" and "homeless" and figure their books have been written. Most feel that they do not want any more out of life. I have a hard time believing that. I truly believe that if given the resources and guidance many people could get their lives back on track, and be a benefit to the community. All it takes is to kick the crutch out and make them get their strength back...

About My Wife

This past Sunday was Mother's day, a day we spend taking care of and reflecting on those women in our lives that mean the most to us and have raised their children without any consideration for themselves. It got me thinking about my wife, and how in the last two years things have changed in our lives since having our daughter. It got me thinking about how she has changed, yet how she has remained the same as before she was a mom. How I feel about her now compared to how I felt about her before. So many things that seem to always go untold, but the feelings have always been there.

My wife is one of the most stubborn people I know...and I am very stubborn myself so I know the signs quite well. She is also one of the most selfless people I have ever known, always has been. And most importantly, she is the most loving woman I have ever met. All these things are what gave her a predisposition to be a wonderful mother. From the day we found out she was pregnant and that we were going to be parents she was intent on being the best mother she could be. As cool and collected as I was and took all the planning in stride, she was a nervous wreck and questioned everything. But it was her way of being prepared. And even through the many moments of self doubt that she had during her pregnancy, I always knew that she was more than well prepared for motherhood. So when our precious daughter was born, my wife may have changed from Jessica to Mommy, and her priorities may have shifted just a bit, but she was still the same amazing woman that always made me feel so special. Just now her main focus turned to our baby.

The stubbornness I spoke of came about shortly after delivery, as she was intent on nursing as long as she could, which she did. It continued several months later when she started to make and freeze our own baby food as she had planned on during her pregnancy. She was, and still is, constantly reading book s and magazines and online articles trying to learn as much as she can about parenting and how to be a great parent. She had set her mind at being a wonderful mother and she has been way more than that from day one. I see the time she puts in with our daughter, how she not only plays with her and has fun, but how she teaches her life lessons. And I see the adoration that my little girl has for her mommy in her face every time she sees her. And I know look and feeling, because it is the same one that I have had since I have know her.

As wonderful a companion and wife as she is, she is just as much a mother, if not more. The love that I felt for her for all the things she had done for me before, I now feel that even more when I see her channel that energy towards our daughter. There is something about seeing a person go without in an effort to give their child everything possible. As much as my wife has kept her independence and individuality and remained a professional woman, she is first and foremost a mom. She worries that she isn't spending enough time with her daughter when she is at work, yet sees the benefit of of having her own adult time. She enjoys stopping on the way home from work to pick up a little something special for her daughter "just because". She loves saying "she is her mother's daughter" to anyone who will listen. She has taken this motherhood thing and embraced it, and in turn gotten more satisfaction out of it than anything I have ever seen while I have known her.

And the thing that makes my wife so special, is that with so much of her time and energy spend being Mommy she is still my wife. She still does the little things that tell me she loves me. She still enjoys spending time together, even if it is not as much time as we used to have. She is not only a mother, but she is a strong, beautiful woman. And being a great mom just makes me look at her not in a new light, but in a brighter one. I always knew she would be a special mother, but the best part is that I get to watch her each and every day. And as proud as I am of her and what she means to our daughter, I know that I am the lucky one for having her in my life...

The Greatest Gift

Something hit me this morning when I woke to the sound of my two year old daughter giggling, I walked into her room, she looked at me from her bed and said "Hi Daddy!". It was the most simple of moments, yet so full of meaning. With that phrase my heart gushed, my eyes welled, and my chest filled with pride. Not that I didn't already feel this way, but it was that simple moment that confirmed to me that being a father is the greatest gift in the world.

I had been somewhat selfish most of my life growing up, not in the sense that I was all about me so much as just did what I wanted when I wanted it. Bought things I didn't need, went places I wanted to go to, basically lived life for me. Then a little over 2 years ago my daughter, Samantha Shea, was born, and that life as I knew it came to an abrupt end. It's not something that was thought about or decided, it just happens. In that one moment that she began to breath the same air as the rest of us, she became my life and my reason for being here. Now, I may want things, but I don't always get them, or feel the need to get them. Now instead of going away for the weekend with my wife or vacationing in the Caribbean, I go to Sesame Place and actually enjoy it. When my wife asks me sometime in November what I want for Christmas I struggle for answers, because in all honesty I am only concerned with making my daughter happy and seeing the joy in her face as she opens her gifts. Life has changed, and changed for the better no doubt about it.

It is hard to put into words what being a parent is like, and I think even harder to explain what being the Dad of a little girl is about. It is something that we all know is important on many levels, protective, caring, strength. But deep down there is something that escapes words. As much as you want to protect her and hold her close so that nothing or no one hurts her, you also want to do everything you can to make her a strong woman. As much as you want her to be Daddy's little tomboy and know all about your favorite teams, you also want her to be the little lady that is the most beautiful in her class. It is a contradiction of sorts, yet all comes from just wanting her to be the best person she can be.

Because of my work schedule I have the great fortune of being able to be home with my daughter during the morning and afternoon. This is something that I welcomed, and something that I treasure each and every day. Sure, it is tough when I am sick and just want to stay in bed, yet she keeps pulling at my arm telling me "Daddy up!". But I can not imagine what life would be like if I did not get to spend the time with her that I do. As much as I teach her about how to count and spell and play, I honestly do think that she teaches me more. She has taught me patience, which has never been my strong point. She has taught me humility, as I do not mind changing diapers and sharing child care tips with other moms and dads. But what she has taught me more than anything, is selflessness. My life is about her and my wife, and not about me. I honestly can not remember what life was like before she was born, and I shudder at the thought of what life will be like when she is old enough to go to school and will no longer be around the house when I am home during the day. But that one phrase, "Hi Daddy!", has way more meaning and way more weight than anything that I have every heard. Because of her, I feel like my life has meaning, and for that I thank her and I thank my wife for giving me this gift...

Illegal is Illegal

Several days ago the state of Arizona passed a law authorizing police to request proof of residence from anyone have a reasonable suspicion of being in the country illegally. This has since sparked the latest protests from immigrants and their supporters, claiming civil rights abuse and the legalization of racial profiling. It is reminiscent of the "Day Without an Immigrant" movement several years ago, where illegal immigrants tried to band together and not work for a day to show the country their value to the economy of America. The problem with that movement was that in turn it caused more outrage from legal Americans and has since made people in this country more focused on fixing the immigration problems we are facing. So in other words, it backfired. The outcries against this Arizona law are just as misguided, and I believe will further demonstrate the people of this country's desire to expand such laws nationwide.



What no one in the mass media seems to be bringing up or emphasizing in this whole debate is the fact that we are talking about people who are in this country ILLEGALLY. By definition these are people who should not be in the country, and therefor they do not have the same rights as American citizens do. The President can try to change the wording of what he calls these people, but it doesn't change the fact that they came here without proper permission or background checks, and the majority are living under the radar and not paying into our tax system.



My other issue with this is also tied into the whole "Immigration Reform" debate that has been talked about for the last several years, where certain groups want to give amnesty to those here illegally. Most people, including the media and special interest groups assume when talking about illegal immigrants we are automatically talking about Hispanic people. But that simply is not the case as a whole. An illegal immigrant can be from Mexico as well as Russia, Pakistan, China, or anywhere else in the world. The majority of the men that hijacked the planes on September 11th were here illegally from countries in the Middle East. So think about it, any amnesty that is given to illegals not only allows Hispanics (which we assume are hard working, harmless people) but also any possible terrorists that may be here also. Do we really want to have an open door policy for anyone who wants to come into this country? We can not pick and choose who are the good immigrants and who are the bad ones, it's all or nothing. That is the basic reason why we have a process to enter the country and to become a citizen. I understand the desire for those who are struggling in other countries to come to America to make a new start, but how fair is it to those who go through the proper channels when there are so many that bypass the law and then cry for rights?



As far as the Arizona law, the one thing that I keep going back to is how outraged people are that the police now have the right to demand proof of residence. To me, the only ones who would feel threatened by this would be those who have something to hide and are actually here illegally. If you have nothing to hide, why would you care? So that is like saying "I am a criminal, but you can not ask me if I am a criminal". How much sense does that make? And so if you are here legally and are asked to show proof, you should have no problem showing proof. My wife is of Hispanic descent but was born here, so if we were driving through Arizona and pulled over and she was asked for proof of residence, she has her driver's licence and Social Security card. No harm, no foul. So I do not understand how we somehow have gotten to the point in this country where we have laws yet are guilted into not enforcing them, as to not hurt anyone's feelings. I am in no way against anyone from any country coming to America to start a new and better life. But there is a process and if you don't follow it you might possibly be caught and sent back to the country where you belong. I do not find that nasty or cruel, it is only following the law. So please, think about the term Illegal Immigrant and then tell me what Arizona has done that is so wrong...

No Crime, Yet Still Punishable?

I have become very disturbed by what I have been hearing and reading and spoken about over the last several weeks concerning Ben Roethlisberger and possible action being taken against him by the National Football League. Now my outrage might not be at what most would think. those who know me know that I have always been very critical of professional athletes and celebrities who get themselves in trouble with the law. to me, with all the money these people make and the resources at their fingertips there is no excuse for a DUI and no reason to be hanging out with thugs and carrying guns. Why then, am I so upset by what has been going on with this case you ask? Because this situation is far different than that of Michael Vick or Donte Stallworth or Mel Gibson. In those cases you had rich professionals who were arrested for and convicted of crimes. All of those situations were a case of someone doing something they shouldn't have and being caught. The Roethlisberger situation is different, way different, yet the media and even sports apologists are chastising an athlete for something that he was accused of yet never charged with. For some reason which I can not fathom, this person has been found guilty in the court of public opinion, when in so many other cases the opposite is true.

Roethlisberger was out bar hopping with some friends in Georgia last month when he is alleged to have sexually assaulted a 20 year old college student in the bathroom of a bar. He was never arrested, and after weeks of investigating the local District Attorney declined to file any charges. It also came out that the alleged victim asked the DA not to file charges because she did not want to go through a long trial. But since this decision numerous details have come out about the night in question and what Ben was accused of. Problem is, these details are only one person's story (a drunk person at that), and even the statements given to police by the accuser seem vague and open to interpretation. She claims she was ushered to a back hallway by one of Ben's bodyguards, then when Ben made advances towards her she said it wasn't a good idea, to which he said it was okay. She also then makes the statement that "he had sex with me", not "he then raped me". She then went on to say that when he was done he left the room and didn't say anything. Now all of these things, I agree, sound like the actions of a creep, of a guy who does not know how to treat a woman and is only out for his own gratification. But at the same time, in of itself is that a crime? Is it a crime to be a single guy who goes to bars and has drunk sex with random women? No, it isn't. As much as I agree this isn't what you would want your son to do, their has been nothing proven to say that Roethlisberger did anything wrong or especially illegal. he may not win Man of the Year awards or be well liked by women's advocacy groups, but it also does not, or should not effect his job status. Yet the NFL commissioner has had harsh words for Ben, and it is expected that he will levy a fine and/or suspension against him soon. I just don't get it.

Michael Vick was arrested for, lied about, and eventually plead guilty to running a dog fighting ring and participating in the execution of dogs. Donte Stallworth was arrested for and plead guilty of driving drunk and hitting and killing a man. Plaxico Burress was arrested for and plead guilty to carrying a loaded weapon in a New York City nightclub and shooting himself in the leg with it. Matt Jones was arrested for Cocaine possession. These are all situations that are different than the Roethlisberger case because of one thing: he was never arrested or charged with anything. The one thing I have always been amazed by is how an elite athlete making millions of dollars can go out drinking and then drive his own car. All that money and you would think they would pay someone to drive for them, just to avoid any possible situations. Yet here is a guy who is not out driving himself, drinking with friends and yes, had sex in a bar bathroom with someone he just met. while it may not be what most people consider appropriate behavior, it is by far not illegal.

Twenty or thirty years ago if an athlete was out in a bar womanizing it wouldn't even be reported, because they weren't considered "celebrities". Yet with the salaries that the modern athlete makes now most are now tied in with the celebrity crowd and are followed and reported on daily. Mickey Mantle was a big time drinker and womanizer, so much that it shortened an already amazing career. Babe Ruth caroused just about every night yet was a national hero and considered a role model. Even Michael Jordan had a gambling problem and cheated on his wife very publicly, yet is considered a national treasure and icon. There was also the case of Kobe Bryant several years ago, where he was accused of raping a female worker at a resort he was staying at. And although charges were eventually dropped in that case, the entire time the proceedings were going on Bryant was practicing and playing with his basketball team night in and night out. so my point in all of this is why is Roethlisberger being treated so differently? Yes, you can bring up the fact that he was accused of rape last year, yet those accusations came a year after the alleged assault and the DA there also refused to file charges. To most who followed it, it appeared to be a woman that wanted more who decided to get paid off by a rich athlete.

So what is it that makes this case so different? Is it because he is a big star and the face of a historic franchise? Is it because the media and public are so tired of all the public debauchery that they want to make an example of someone? I honestly am still searching for the answer. As far as I have always been taught, people in this country are innocent until proven guilty. So if the authorities did not find substantial evidence to charge this person with any crime it seems to me there should be no further action in the private sector. The main difference between the examples I laid out prior and this one is that in those cases there was no doubt a crime had been committed, it was simply a matter of judging whether or not those people were responsible for it. In the Roethlisberger case there is still a question whether or not anything criminal even happened. It is a matter of her word versus his, and it is up to authorities to determine that. So how can others decide that he is guilty when those trained to make those types of decisions say there was no crime? I am all for those we watch on Sundays staying off the police blotter, but if we take every claim of sexual assault and immediately assume the person is guilty, what is to keep anyone from making up accusations just to get money out of it? I agree that what happened that night in it's simplest form was not what you would expect out of an elite athlete, but then again who are we to say what they should do? Why just because they make millions of dollars should they not go out and have fun and even make bad decisions, so long as they stay within the law?

With media coverage growing by the day, and every step celebrities and athletes take being recorded, it is for sure that many more cases of bad behavior and criminal activity will be reported on. On many cases an example needs to be made of those who think they are above the laws and rules because of their profession. But we set a very scary precedent by assuming guilt just because someone might not be a squeaky clean person. We need to let law enforcement do their jobs. But when we take sides in a he said-she said, we head down a slippery slope...

A Wonderful Birthday Gift

For my birthday this January, my wife presented me with an airline ticket to visit my family in Florida, by myself. She explained that the reason for this was because of my job working at night and watching my daughter during the day, I do not get to have much time for myself and this was a chance for me to get away and just be me. Great, so I am looking forward to the week with family and friends back home, although a little bummed not to be sharing the time with my wife and child. But my two brothers tell me not to make any plans for the weekend, and not to ask them what we are doing. So of course my mind is going in a million directions wondering what they have planned...to the point that I finally stop trying to figure it out and just go with it (as anyone who knows me well enough would know how hard that was for me).

So the night I arrive in Florida I go to dinner with my parents and two brothers. At some point my older brother hands me a handful of papers, which in order spell out a story about how they were considering what to do while I was visiting. The surprise was that I was going on a 3 night cruise to the Bahamas with my two brothers. I was just as shocked by this as I was with my wife's presenting me with an airline ticket. My brothers had both been on cruises before, but this was to be my first. Once the shock wore off, I was totally excited. My wife knew the plans, and had packed a few extra things that I was going to need for the cruise without my knowledge. So the next morning we were off for Miami to hit the high seas.

It all happened so fast that I never really was able to think about just how meaningful it was to be able to do this with my brothers. W e were always close growing up, not best of buddies but always did things together. Of course with three of us there was usually sides being taken here and there, and constant bickering, but never anything serious or nasty. But as we have all gotten older we have become a lot closer. All of us have our own lives, and my wife and I live in New Jersey as opposed to the two of them still in Florida, but we talk a frequently and see each other as much as possible. But still, to be able to spend 3 nights on a cruise ship, just us, no parents or wives or girlfriends, or even cell phones or computers, was such a great bonding opportunity.

From the time we got onto the ship there was really no plan. They asked what I wanted to do, and I said I was just there to do as much or as little as we wanted, no plans, no pressure. We ate, we drank (a lot), we gambled, we smoked cigars, we saw comedy shows. We met some very cool people, and we talked a lot. The thing I noticed was how time really seemed to stand still while on the ship. At one point my younger brother and I spent 2 hours in a hot tub talking with numerous groups of people, drinking beer and just enjoying the sun. One night he and I actually closed down the last bar that was open at 4 AM. Another night my older brother and I closed down the casino playing blackjack for what must have been 3 hours or so. We watched playoff football at one of the bars on board, I ate sushi for the first time, and we walked around the streets of Nassau, Bahamas. It was truly a great time spent between three brothers. I can not say enough about how meaningful it was to be able to bond like we did, to just get away and enjoy spending time together.

To think, that the entire reason that I was able to have this opportunity to go on that trip with my brothers was because my wife cared enough about me to want me to have some time for myself. She set it all in motion by being selfless and wanting me to get away from life a bit and just think about me. And everyone we met on the cruise when I told them why we were on the trip together, they all said how great of a wife I had for doing that for me. It was such a shock, and such a whirlwind, but at the end of the day one of the nicest and most meaningful things anyone has ever done for me. And for my brothers to think as much of me to take me out on a cruise, that is also something I can never repay them for. Not the money or the adventure as much as just the time we were able to spend together, the opportunity to see each others in a different light. I would love to make this a tradition, because it is so important to family, especially siblings, to stay close and connected. Here's hoping this was just one of many Hayman Brother Retreats...